This just in, more research is being done regarding Pete Rose’s career, after this week’s new evidence that Pete bet on baseball while he was a player. Now, our exclusive statistical research has produced evidence of nefarious activity that further go to show what a scoundrel Pete was.
We have conducted a thorough review of Rose’s statistics, and you guys aren’t going to believe this. Pete Rose, while he was a player, stole bases on multiple occasions. He’s a thief. Evidence indicates that in 1986 alone, he stole bases on no less than three occasions. I mean, that right there wipes out all of his accomplishments, right?
“SEE!” said former Commissioner Fay Vincent, when reached for comment, I told you this guy was a really bad person! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you guys.”
Further analysis reveals that Rose was actually 45 years old when he’s accused of stealing these bases, suggesting that something can’t be right with that data. There are also anecdotal stories that, on occasion, Rose was even known to take a pitch. However, no empirical data backs that up.
Former prosecutor John Dowd was like, “Yeah, this totally closes the door, and LOCKS it. This REALLY, REALLY does it.”
This evidence means Rose probably, totally did not really leave any meaningful mark on the game of baseball. “Good riddance,” said former competitor Ray Fosse.*
An exhaustive background check on Rose also revealed that he went to actual prison for actual crimes a few years after his playing days. “Who cares,” said Vincent, “I already told you he’s a bad fellow.”
“Yeah,” agreed Dowd, “besides, it was taxes. He made a mistake… why would we hold that against him for the rest of his life.”
“I feel bad for him, but it’s really none of my business,” said recent member of the 3,000 hit club, Alex Rodriguez.
No comment from Rose, in spite of Jim Gray’s best efforts. All reports indicate that the new revelations decrease the likelihood that Pete Rose will be reinstated, or have a chance at admittance to the Hall of Fame. “Pity.” said NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson.
Editor’s note: This is all satire. The quotes are made up, especially the Ray Fosse line. However, definitely check out the actual quotes from Dowd and Vincent re: the notebook. I think most people’s response to this news is… “duh.”