Monthly Archives: June 2015

More Evidence that Pete Rose is a Terrible Person, You Guys

This just in, more research is being done regarding Pete Rose’s career, after¬†this week’s new evidence that Pete bet on baseball while he was a player. Now, our exclusive statistical research has produced evidence of nefarious activity that further go to show what a scoundrel Pete was.

Very Bad Person Pete Rose

Very Bad Person Pete Rose

We have conducted a thorough review of Rose’s statistics, and you guys aren’t going to believe this. Pete Rose, while he was a player, stole bases on multiple occasions. He’s a thief. Evidence indicates that in 1986 alone, he stole bases on no less than three occasions. I mean, that right there wipes out all of his accomplishments, right?

“SEE!” said former Commissioner Fay Vincent, when reached for comment, I told you this guy was a really bad person! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you guys.”

Further analysis reveals that Rose was actually 45 years old when he’s accused of stealing these bases, suggesting that something can’t be right with that data. There are also anecdotal stories that, on occasion, Rose was even known to take a pitch. However, no empirical data backs that up.

Former prosecutor John Dowd was like, “Yeah, this totally closes the door, and LOCKS it. This REALLY, REALLY does it.”

This evidence means Rose probably, totally did not really leave any meaningful mark on the game of baseball. “Good riddance,” said former competitor Ray Fosse.*

An exhaustive background check on Rose also revealed that he went to actual prison for actual crimes a few years after his playing days. “Who cares,” said Vincent, “I already told you he’s a bad fellow.”

“Yeah,” agreed Dowd, “besides, it was taxes. He made a mistake… why would we hold that against him for the rest of his life.”

“I feel bad for him, but it’s really none of my business,” said recent member of the 3,000 hit club, Alex Rodriguez.

No comment from Rose, in spite of Jim Gray’s best efforts. All reports indicate that the new revelations decrease the likelihood that Pete Rose will be reinstated, or have a chance at admittance to the Hall of Fame. “Pity.” said NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson.

Editor’s note: This is all satire. The quotes are made up, especially the Ray Fosse line. However, definitely check out the actual quotes from Dowd and Vincent re: the notebook. I think most people’s response to this news is… “duh.”

*Fosse is is far more magnanimous than I would be if I were him when discussing Pete Rose. 

Hey, I’m Not a Twins Fan!

So, I was on the Reds website (looks like ESPN is carrying the game Sunday night). I saw an ad for an All Star game contest, sponsored by Chevy. As I’d like to wins said contest, I entered, and shortly thereafter received an email containing the following (highlighting mine):

go twinsSerioiusly? I mean, I linked to the contest from the Reds page! I listed my address in Florida. Why in the world would they think I’m a Twins fan? While the Twins do have spring training here, and I caught a game or two this year, I didn’t get those tickets from Chevy (and I used a different email address.) I even have a Rays Chevy shirt from a different promo thing a few years ago. Probably just a typo: perhaps they just didn’t update the text from a contest from last year’s game in Minneapolis. Besides, I assumed Chevy would be a Tigers fan!